Once again I'm trying to get myself on a healing schedule - but it isn't the easiest task for me. I seem to be on a flipped schedule - so I rest during the day and am wide awake at night! This may be in part from the steroids but I'm sure at least some of it is due to sleeping during the day rather than staying awake and sleeping at night. I'm even taking the last steroid at 2:00 PM rather than any later so I can sleep at night, but I think even that isn't helping as much as it should since I'm sleeping during the day! Maybe I will be able to stay awake tomorrow - although I don't want to ignore my fatigue - so it has become a bit of a catch 22 - I'm not sure how exactly I plan to handle this, but tomorrow is another day so I have plenty of time to figure it out!
Monday I meet with my Oncologist and find out if he wants to run the chemo concerent with the radiation treatments or wait to start it until they are complete. I'm rather hoping he starts the chemo fairly soon - and I can't recall how often he said I would be getting chemo. I'm sure he told me, but I have no idea at this point what he said. The brain is a terrible thing to lose! In my case it may not be such a bad thing, it is forcing me to slow down and really look at what I'm doing & thinking - I probably should have been forced to do this years ago! I have stayed busy with all sorts of activities in order to keep from facing or dealing with the problems at hand! I've made a career out of avoidance - and done it quite well I might add - now is the time to face the music!
Tomorrow, assuming the Weather Channel is incorrect or at least changes their predicition, I hope we can go someplace different and enjoy the afternoon, we'll see what the weather is like! We're going to get a printer for up here too, apparently all sorts of places have rather cheap printers and they nail you with the cost of the ink! So we'll check that one out and look for his walking finger (toe) shoes - not to mention I want to start a self portrait - I feel like somehow, for some reason I need to document this, because I really don't believe cancer is going to kill me. We're all going to die, me included, but something else is going to be the way I go, this is more of a growth opportunity for me. A path which is showing me what's really important in life and what to let go of. So I will simply have to wait until time & God choose to show me what I need to know. They say patience is a virtue - definately one I need to cultivate because at the moment it isn't one of my strong suits! Oh well, another flaw which makes me human - damn I wanted to be perfect! Just kidding, that's the old Valerie, the new one is much more forgiving and a lot less hard & demanding of herself! Pretty cool way to be if you really look at it honestly! Well, anyway, I'm once again ready to fall asleep - so I will say sweet dreams & good night to all of you and I will see you tomorrow!
March 5, 2011
Late at Night Seems to be Best for Me
I'm going to miss my sister when she leaves in the morning, but I'm looking forward to seeing my husband when he arrives - so it's sort of a Catch 22 for me! I saw the most beautiful woman at the Clinic the other day, she must have been in her later 30s and had no hair but she had not only an incredible head but beautiful face as well, unbelievable! She was with her husband and was apparently getting chemo for something. I'm surprised how painless & quick radiation goes - although everyone says I won't see any side effects until probably the end of the second week or beginning of third, so by that time I should be almost through! I'm really enjoying my support groups, the weekly Tuesday evening one at The Gathering Place is awesome and I finally made it to the monthly breast cancer support group on Mondays which I throughly enjoyed. I'm surprised I didn't take part in these before, but I think it was a combination of not being ready and I'm not sure we really have support groups like this available in South Florida. I may have to start my own!
I saw a really cool portrait at Dewey's Coffee Shop in Shaker Square yesterday. I've decided to do a self-portrait in that style. I will probably do it directly on the coated board I bought at Michael's rather than doing it on paper the way the original was done. I should have taken a picture of it, my memory isn't what it use to be at the moment. Plus I need to find a photograph I intend to use and then break it down into colorfields the way that one was. Something for tomorrow! I think I maight just have to sign off now since I am about to fall back asleep! This is a good thing, I've quit fighting it, when I feel tired, I rest - I just have to embrace the treatments and whatever side effects they come with and move forward from there! Life is what it is and accepting it is the fastest most effective way to move forward! So on that note, I will wish you all sweet dreams and see you tomorrrow! Good night!
I saw a really cool portrait at Dewey's Coffee Shop in Shaker Square yesterday. I've decided to do a self-portrait in that style. I will probably do it directly on the coated board I bought at Michael's rather than doing it on paper the way the original was done. I should have taken a picture of it, my memory isn't what it use to be at the moment. Plus I need to find a photograph I intend to use and then break it down into colorfields the way that one was. Something for tomorrow! I think I maight just have to sign off now since I am about to fall back asleep! This is a good thing, I've quit fighting it, when I feel tired, I rest - I just have to embrace the treatments and whatever side effects they come with and move forward from there! Life is what it is and accepting it is the fastest most effective way to move forward! So on that note, I will wish you all sweet dreams and see you tomorrrow! Good night!
March 3, 2011
Still working on being a successful Blogger!
I can't say I think I'm a successful Blogger yet, I don't seem to be terribly good at keeping a schedule! Let's face it, I fully intended to blog everyday starting with my last post and I think I've lost half a month! We are now in March! But I guess I must be fair to myself, the first priority I have is to get well, everything else follows after that! So I think as annoying as I find it, that is what I'm doing! I just don't have a great deal of patience and doing what I'm suppossed to as opposed to everything or at best what I want to isn't exactly my strong suit! Let me rephrase that, it didn't use to be my strong suit, but it will become my new strong suit and I shall embrace it as a wonderful part of life!
It doesn't seem like Palm Beach County has a community center for Cancer Patients like "The Gathering Place" here in Cleveland. Actually, it wouldn't appear very many, if any places in the country have such an extensive sort of place. I'm planning to start something of that sort in the West Palm Beach area, and include Heart related problems since Maria has said she would be interested in helping with it (she is the heart related problems as opposed to cancer.) I realize Sari Center at Good Samaratin hospital offers massage and such but I don't think they have all the art classes, etc... that "the Gathering Place" offers. I figure if we start out small, and my sister has agreed (actually volunteered) to help with writing a grant proposal - we can move forward from there. We have a tremendous amount of good people willing to give of themselves but just aren't sure how to do that. Much the same way I'm haven't been sure how to do that - so I think Maria & I can provide be the catalyst for all of this and really make West Palm Beach a mecca for healing. If any of you have other (I hate to use the word disease) health issues you would like included and either yourself or someone who has this "problem" and is knowledgeable about it is interested in being included, let me know. We don't have to limit this to cancer & heart disease we can make it all about health. So far, as you may have guessed, I'm still thinking this through - it's still merely a concept in my mind - but it's something that really resonates with me. Perhaps this is the reason I attracted Cancer to myself or at least part of the reason, to not just give back but to accept the love and help being so freely given to me by all of you. Either way it has been a journey not to be ignored or dismissed lightly. I have all of you to thank for that, and I am extremely grateful for that. I think I will say good night on that note since it is way past my bedtime! Sweet dreams to all of you, hopefully I will blog again tomorrow if not, it will be as soon as I can!
It doesn't seem like Palm Beach County has a community center for Cancer Patients like "The Gathering Place" here in Cleveland. Actually, it wouldn't appear very many, if any places in the country have such an extensive sort of place. I'm planning to start something of that sort in the West Palm Beach area, and include Heart related problems since Maria has said she would be interested in helping with it (she is the heart related problems as opposed to cancer.) I realize Sari Center at Good Samaratin hospital offers massage and such but I don't think they have all the art classes, etc... that "the Gathering Place" offers. I figure if we start out small, and my sister has agreed (actually volunteered) to help with writing a grant proposal - we can move forward from there. We have a tremendous amount of good people willing to give of themselves but just aren't sure how to do that. Much the same way I'm haven't been sure how to do that - so I think Maria & I can provide be the catalyst for all of this and really make West Palm Beach a mecca for healing. If any of you have other (I hate to use the word disease) health issues you would like included and either yourself or someone who has this "problem" and is knowledgeable about it is interested in being included, let me know. We don't have to limit this to cancer & heart disease we can make it all about health. So far, as you may have guessed, I'm still thinking this through - it's still merely a concept in my mind - but it's something that really resonates with me. Perhaps this is the reason I attracted Cancer to myself or at least part of the reason, to not just give back but to accept the love and help being so freely given to me by all of you. Either way it has been a journey not to be ignored or dismissed lightly. I have all of you to thank for that, and I am extremely grateful for that. I think I will say good night on that note since it is way past my bedtime! Sweet dreams to all of you, hopefully I will blog again tomorrow if not, it will be as soon as I can!
February 18, 2011
Finally I'm Back
She's baaaackkkk!!!! I feel just like a poltergeist as Carol Anne looks in the TV and sees me!
I've finally come to a conclusion about why I see the port as rather scary and brain surgery, possible surgery at sometime in the future on the breast, etc... as not scary; I see the port as a continuation of cancer or a continuation of the disease rather than (as the others) a cure for some part of the disease. It's rather interesting but it just sort of came to me as soon as I let it go.
I don't feel as strong on my feet as I did before surgery, which is apparently normal, but my home healthcare nurse was quite taken aback by how well I was doing. Once again, this is my new normal, as they say. I'm not a believer in things not being able to return to how they once were; but by the same token, I have to accept that there are lessons here and it's not only important that I learn them, but that I also take them to heart and make the lesson part of my new world! It isn't really good for me or important that I do a million things all at once, but rather important that I fully concentrate on the one thing that I'm doing at the moment. I not only have to stay focused, but I have to stay in the moment, rather than try to constantly stay ahead of the moment by staying busy with a million things rather than concentrating on a particular aspect which is really what's important!
I think finally I'm connecting more to people than objects or material things which is not just a good thing, it's a very positive thing. Although I must admidt - painting my rocks isn't going to be as easy as I expected. It seems as though I'm going to have to prime these various areas, not just swish a little paint on them like I had first thought. It is much more translucent than I had anticipated. That's OK however, because it's teaching me not only patience, but also to do things the right way rather than the easiest way! There are probably times when I do need things done by a certain time or whatever, but that may just mean I should have started sooner rather than work faster. This seemed to be an ongoing problem in highschool - things always took longer than I anticipated them taking; plus I left them off until the last minute on top of it! I got better at this (finally) in college only after I decided to finish in an accelerated program - there would be no surviving had I not buckled down and set up not only a plan but a time schedule. This forced me to do things when they needed to be done, not when it was convenient to do them. Well, actually the last minute isn't necessarily convenient to do them, but it's all I ever allowed prior to my excelerated program! I will post some pictures of them as I finish each one. That may also be part of the reason small rocks only have one or two words written on them - you wouldn't know what they said otherwise. I have to think that one over - I originally thought about writing a poem or phrase - something longer than one or two words - but people won't necessarily be able to read it - or perhaps they just won't be interested in reading it! You'll see what I decide to do about that as well!
I think I may just have to leave you guys, I'm starting to get sleepy, which is understandable, I guess. I can't keep overriding the safety switch just to get more done! It's more important that I do what I'm doing well, rather than doing a lot of things quickly, yet poorly! It's just one more thing to think, about another gift, if you will! One last thing before I go - perhaps one of you knows - where should I look for fenugreek so I can make some tea from it! Whole Foods doesn't carry it, I asked! I thought we had some at home but I wouldn't begin to know where to start looking for it. It's apparently some sort of herb or spice and although I'm rather surprised Whole Foods doesn't stock it, I'm not sure if I should be looking in the spice isle or bulk area or what; any light you could shed on the subject would be greatly appreciated. Well, on that note I'm definately going to sleep. Sweet Dreams, see you tomorrow - hopefully I will be able to start being more consistent with my blog again, now that I'm hopefully through with this latest growth opportunity! It's always something, I just have to go with the flow!
I've finally come to a conclusion about why I see the port as rather scary and brain surgery, possible surgery at sometime in the future on the breast, etc... as not scary; I see the port as a continuation of cancer or a continuation of the disease rather than (as the others) a cure for some part of the disease. It's rather interesting but it just sort of came to me as soon as I let it go.
I don't feel as strong on my feet as I did before surgery, which is apparently normal, but my home healthcare nurse was quite taken aback by how well I was doing. Once again, this is my new normal, as they say. I'm not a believer in things not being able to return to how they once were; but by the same token, I have to accept that there are lessons here and it's not only important that I learn them, but that I also take them to heart and make the lesson part of my new world! It isn't really good for me or important that I do a million things all at once, but rather important that I fully concentrate on the one thing that I'm doing at the moment. I not only have to stay focused, but I have to stay in the moment, rather than try to constantly stay ahead of the moment by staying busy with a million things rather than concentrating on a particular aspect which is really what's important!
I think finally I'm connecting more to people than objects or material things which is not just a good thing, it's a very positive thing. Although I must admidt - painting my rocks isn't going to be as easy as I expected. It seems as though I'm going to have to prime these various areas, not just swish a little paint on them like I had first thought. It is much more translucent than I had anticipated. That's OK however, because it's teaching me not only patience, but also to do things the right way rather than the easiest way! There are probably times when I do need things done by a certain time or whatever, but that may just mean I should have started sooner rather than work faster. This seemed to be an ongoing problem in highschool - things always took longer than I anticipated them taking; plus I left them off until the last minute on top of it! I got better at this (finally) in college only after I decided to finish in an accelerated program - there would be no surviving had I not buckled down and set up not only a plan but a time schedule. This forced me to do things when they needed to be done, not when it was convenient to do them. Well, actually the last minute isn't necessarily convenient to do them, but it's all I ever allowed prior to my excelerated program! I will post some pictures of them as I finish each one. That may also be part of the reason small rocks only have one or two words written on them - you wouldn't know what they said otherwise. I have to think that one over - I originally thought about writing a poem or phrase - something longer than one or two words - but people won't necessarily be able to read it - or perhaps they just won't be interested in reading it! You'll see what I decide to do about that as well!
I think I may just have to leave you guys, I'm starting to get sleepy, which is understandable, I guess. I can't keep overriding the safety switch just to get more done! It's more important that I do what I'm doing well, rather than doing a lot of things quickly, yet poorly! It's just one more thing to think, about another gift, if you will! One last thing before I go - perhaps one of you knows - where should I look for fenugreek so I can make some tea from it! Whole Foods doesn't carry it, I asked! I thought we had some at home but I wouldn't begin to know where to start looking for it. It's apparently some sort of herb or spice and although I'm rather surprised Whole Foods doesn't stock it, I'm not sure if I should be looking in the spice isle or bulk area or what; any light you could shed on the subject would be greatly appreciated. Well, on that note I'm definately going to sleep. Sweet Dreams, see you tomorrow - hopefully I will be able to start being more consistent with my blog again, now that I'm hopefully through with this latest growth opportunity! It's always something, I just have to go with the flow!
February 3, 2011
What will today bring?
Well, I'll be interested to see what today is like. It isn't snowing where I am, at least not at the moment. Yesterday it was snowing really hard for a while, but the odd thing is, it doesn't seem to accumulate??? I'm not sure what happens to it. Another weird snow fact I don't get? It's not terrible relevant in West Palm Beach! It's OK though, because it's easier for me to walk around if we don't have deep snow, so I'm not complaining :-)
First of all, I want to apologize to those of you who have left comments, many of which I haven't even found to read, much less respond to! For someone who is actually pretty good with computers, this whole social networking thing just sends me over the top. I have some sort of mental block when it comes to my blog & facebook - but I'm working on it and fully intend to get my head around it. Perhaps I should just go find a six year old to come explain it to me - I'm sure they would have no problems! That's actually most likely the problem I'm trying to make it more complicated than it is! I just want to be sure you all understand it's nothing personal and I don't mean to be ignoring you - in fact, in most cases I don't even realize there's any thing to ignore! Worst part is, I was like this before the cancer/chemo brain so I can't even blame it on that! Well, I could but that would be rather dishonest! :-) If any of you have any tips about blogs or facebook - sort of "blogs & facebook for dummies" sort of stuff, I would certainly appreciate hearing them.
I keep waking up in what I consider the middle of the night, but I decided I'll just get up and take a nap later - I'll get more accomplished this way (or that's what I'm thinking will happen, I'll let you know.) I took some pictures of my henna tattoo now that the paste is gone and just the henna stain remains, so let me know what you think (and hopefully I can locate the comment :-) - that sounds so ridiculous!) I think it looks really cool - but I'll have better pictures this weekend, it's hard taking them myself with my phone!
First of all, I want to apologize to those of you who have left comments, many of which I haven't even found to read, much less respond to! For someone who is actually pretty good with computers, this whole social networking thing just sends me over the top. I have some sort of mental block when it comes to my blog & facebook - but I'm working on it and fully intend to get my head around it. Perhaps I should just go find a six year old to come explain it to me - I'm sure they would have no problems! That's actually most likely the problem I'm trying to make it more complicated than it is! I just want to be sure you all understand it's nothing personal and I don't mean to be ignoring you - in fact, in most cases I don't even realize there's any thing to ignore! Worst part is, I was like this before the cancer/chemo brain so I can't even blame it on that! Well, I could but that would be rather dishonest! :-) If any of you have any tips about blogs or facebook - sort of "blogs & facebook for dummies" sort of stuff, I would certainly appreciate hearing them.
I keep waking up in what I consider the middle of the night, but I decided I'll just get up and take a nap later - I'll get more accomplished this way (or that's what I'm thinking will happen, I'll let you know.) I took some pictures of my henna tattoo now that the paste is gone and just the henna stain remains, so let me know what you think (and hopefully I can locate the comment :-) - that sounds so ridiculous!) I think it looks really cool - but I'll have better pictures this weekend, it's hard taking them myself with my phone!
I can see having a lot of fun with henna tattoos & temporary tattoos (which look like regular tattoos, colors and all but wear off in a week or so.) Who needs hair if you can have this much fun without it? Especially at home, up here (Ohio) it's too cold to go outside without a hat and such, at least in the winter, but this would be perfect for normal Florida weather (this year things seem to be a bit odd, colder than usual) but normally, hey this is perfect! I may start a new trend - and we could have tattoo parties and a bunch of us get together and paint each others heads! What could be more fun? We certainly wouldn't need all the training that would be necessary to give each other haircuts (at least haircuts we could be seen in public with!)
Well, I think I'll sign off now and hopefully I'll be back later (after a late AM early PM nap!) Thanks again for listening talk to you again soon!
January 31, 2011
My Henna Tattoo
Kristina did my henna tattoo - it's awesome! I may never grow hair again, this is just so cool. I'll be able to remove the paste before I go to bed tonight and it will start out orange and then turn brown within a couple of days. This was just so much fun, better than going for a haircut :-). Let me know what you think about it. Here's a link to Kristina's website http://www.henname.net/ I'm thinking about learning how to do this and when I get home if there are other women going through chemo who want a henna tattoo instead of wigs or hats, I can do tattoos for them. Sort of my way of giving back! So if any of you know someone who's interested, let me know!
Today is a great day, it's probably in the 20s, not really sure, but it's sunny, dry and not windy so it's just a real crisp, refreshing day! This is just turning out to be a fabulous day for me. I'm going to make my daily excursion over to Dave's Market - this time I actually do need something, organic cranberry juice. I think I'll get a lemon, as well, there's no need to remove the henna paste with organic lemon juice!
Had a great time yesterday roamed around the mall and then went to Whole Foods for dinner. We had a good time. I'm starting to get tired, I got up early and stayed up because I was excited about my tattoo! There's another storm system moving across the country, but I'm not sure if it's supposed to effect us - it's difficult to tell from thos maps they have on the weather channel. I think even if it does effect us, it should have moved through by Friday, so he shouldn't have a problem driving in from Detroit. I'm preparing myself, I have no intention of getting sick again when I have someone visiting from out of town! That was a total drag, getting sick every time some came to visit! I'm not sure what exactly that was all about! I'm sure it served some purpose on some level.
I found out about transportation to the Gathering Place - they can provide it once a week, so I think I'll go to the support group held on Tuesday evenings. I think I'll get the most out of that. I just have to make sure they provide a ride in the evenings, but Betsy didn't say anything about them not doing that. Therefore, I'll assume it's covered, unless I hear else wise!
Well, I think I'll say caio and head out - i get these random thoughts hopefully this will not continue happening, otherwise I'm going to have to go by the Apple Store and that can be
dangerous! OK good bye, I'll talk to you. Later.
Today is a great day, it's probably in the 20s, not really sure, but it's sunny, dry and not windy so it's just a real crisp, refreshing day! This is just turning out to be a fabulous day for me. I'm going to make my daily excursion over to Dave's Market - this time I actually do need something, organic cranberry juice. I think I'll get a lemon, as well, there's no need to remove the henna paste with organic lemon juice!
Had a great time yesterday roamed around the mall and then went to Whole Foods for dinner. We had a good time. I'm starting to get tired, I got up early and stayed up because I was excited about my tattoo! There's another storm system moving across the country, but I'm not sure if it's supposed to effect us - it's difficult to tell from thos maps they have on the weather channel. I think even if it does effect us, it should have moved through by Friday, so he shouldn't have a problem driving in from Detroit. I'm preparing myself, I have no intention of getting sick again when I have someone visiting from out of town! That was a total drag, getting sick every time some came to visit! I'm not sure what exactly that was all about! I'm sure it served some purpose on some level.
I found out about transportation to the Gathering Place - they can provide it once a week, so I think I'll go to the support group held on Tuesday evenings. I think I'll get the most out of that. I just have to make sure they provide a ride in the evenings, but Betsy didn't say anything about them not doing that. Therefore, I'll assume it's covered, unless I hear else wise!
Well, I think I'll say caio and head out - i get these random thoughts hopefully this will not continue happening, otherwise I'm going to have to go by the Apple Store and that can be
dangerous! OK good bye, I'll talk to you. Later.
January 29, 2011
What a Great Saturday
How do you like my new look? This is GI Val! Can't wear it outside, because it's too cold, but I'll be able to in Florida :-)
I had a great day today, went to "The Gathering Place" I guess it's like a community center for people with cancer. I met some really wonderful people and just had a real nice time.
The weather was not to good this morning, it was snowing and the raods were slippery in places, but by this afternoon, everything was fine. There's some kind of program on the weather channel, but I'll turn it back on in a little while and see what tomorrow is supposed to be like. I might take the bus down to the shopping center by Whole Foods. I don't really care about going shopping, but there isn't too much else to do that's inside and easy to get to. I have to find an alternate method to get to the Gathering Place, because I could enjoy spending the day there several times a week, but it's rather far away, so the cab fare is prohibitive. But I've no doubt I'll find another way there. It's nice being able to hang out with people that have either gone through the same sort of things or are going through them now. That's the funny (strange) thing about cancer, it makes a lot of people really uncomfortable, they don't know what to say so it makes for a rather awkward situation or they just avoid you altogether! I was hoping that was the sort of environment the Gathering Place would provide, but it surpassed my greatest hopes. I just can't wait to go back there. Well, I think I'm going to sign off now, it's almost my bedtime (8:30 PM)! So sweet dreams everyone and I'll speak with you tomorrow! Good night.
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