Another Day

Once again I'm trying to get myself on a healing schedule - but it isn't the easiest task for me.  I seem to be on a flipped schedule - so I rest during the day and am wide awake at night!  This may be in part from the steroids but I'm sure at least some of it is due to sleeping during the day rather than staying awake and sleeping at night.  I'm even taking the last steroid at 2:00 PM rather than any later so I can sleep at night, but I think even that isn't helping as much as it should since I'm sleeping during the day!  Maybe I will be able to stay awake tomorrow - although I don't want to ignore my fatigue - so it has become a bit of a catch 22 - I'm not sure how exactly I plan to handle this, but tomorrow is another day so I have plenty of time to figure it out!

Monday I meet with my Oncologist and find out if he wants to run the chemo concerent with the radiation treatments or wait to start it until they are complete.  I'm rather hoping he starts the chemo fairly soon - and I can't recall how often he said I would be getting chemo.  I'm sure he told me, but I have no idea at this point what he said.  The brain is a terrible thing to lose!  In my case it may not be such a bad thing, it is forcing me to slow down and really look at what I'm doing & thinking - I probably should have been forced to do this years ago!  I have stayed busy with all sorts of activities in order to keep from facing or dealing with the problems at hand!  I've made a career out of avoidance - and done it quite well I might add - now is the time to face the music!

Tomorrow, assuming the Weather Channel is incorrect or at least changes their predicition, I hope we can go someplace different and enjoy the afternoon, we'll see what the weather is like!  We're going to get a printer for up here too, apparently all sorts of places have rather cheap printers and they nail you with the cost of the ink!  So we'll check that one out and look for his walking finger (toe) shoes - not to mention I want to start a self portrait - I feel like somehow, for some reason I need to document this, because I really don't believe cancer is going to kill me.  We're all going to die, me included, but something else is going to be the way I go, this is more of a growth opportunity for me.  A path which is showing me what's really important in life and what to let go of.  So I will simply have to wait until time & God choose to show me what I need to know.  They say patience is a virtue - definately one I need to cultivate because at the moment it isn't one of my strong suits!  Oh well, another flaw which makes me human - damn I wanted to be perfect!  Just kidding, that's the old Valerie, the new one is much more forgiving and a lot less hard & demanding of herself!  Pretty cool way to be if you really look at it honestly!  Well, anyway, I'm once again ready to fall asleep - so I will say sweet dreams & good night to all of you and I will see you tomorrow!