Christmas was Great

We had a great Christmas, Neil was with us for Christmas Eve and we spent a quiet day for Christmas watching Christmas movies and relaxing then went for Chinese food! The food was great but the service was terrible, but I don't think our waitress was actually a waitress, so that excuses it. Today we went to Whole Foods for lunch and now we're going to go see "Little Fockers" that looks like it will be hysterical and laughter is so good for your health! It's pretty chilly, but when I looked at the TV in Whole Foods, there was a football game on, which was in Ohio - I'm not sure if it was in the stadium in Cleveland, but the announcer commented that they were getting light snow flurries, no accumulation but with the wind chill it felt like 40 below zero! I'm just wondering if it's possible that could have been in Cleveland and if the temperature is that different across town or if we're crazy and just don't realize how cold it feels???

I have to start getting up early and taking a nap in the afternoon if necessay, otherwise I'm having trouble working in my routine. It's hard to take your vitamins and do pranayama 3 times a day if you don't get up until noon and go to sleep at 7:30 or 8:00! It does seem like I have more energy, though. I'm going to have to start watching it, could be a cycle in relation to my chemo treatments! My aunt is taking the same chemo and that's what happens to her - she knows exactly which days are when she's really tired. I need to pay more attention and make my schedule accordingly. I still have cookies to bake! They aren't Christmas cookies, they are winter cookies! I'll take some pictures of them once I make them and we can see how they compare to my Christmas cookies. We'll see if they are up to Martha's standard! I think they will be, but we'll see :-)

Well, I'm going to run so we get to the movie on time. I doubt it will be crowded, I assume everyone will be shopping for after Christmas deals, we'll see if I'm right! Have a great afternoon & evening we'll talk tomorrow!

It's Almost Christmas

Bharata arrived yesterday, timing worked out perfect, his flight was delayed in Charolette, so he arrived later than anticipated and my chemo went quickly, so I had just finished as he arrived, didn't even have to park the car! Is that perfect timing or what? I had been craving a BIG breakfast all afternoon, and my nurse told me where I could get one so we headed way out somewhere and I pigged out! It certainly hit the spot, not really the best food choices but sometimes you just gotta treat yourself!

Today we went to Whole Foods to stock up on some things I needed, ran in Target fo a car charger for the cell phone and exchanged my shoes at Macy's. I was surprised, Target & Macy's weren't that crowded, now Whole Foods on the other hand was a zoo! Neil is going to try to come by tomorrow afternoon and spend Christmas Eve with us and fly to Chicago for work on Christmas morning! That will be great if the flights work out!

I'm feeling pretty good today, I didn't actually get out of bed until 11:30, but I don't count that, I was up at 10:00 but there were 3 episodes of "The New Adventures of Old Christine" on back to back - that show would almost make it worth getting a TV, except I would also have to get cable - but I will check to see if it's available on iTunes! Let's face it, it isn't like I've seen all the old episodes. But none the less, I count myself as having gotten up at 10:00. That isn't too bad when you take into account the fatigue from chemo. Plus after we got home from Whole Foods, we walked a quarter of a mile around the second floor balcony that overlooks the lobby - so I think I'm doing pretty well, all things considered. It isn't the actually walking that's difficult, it's just boring going around in circles over and over, it took 13 laps to make a quarter of a mile. They have chair yoga on Tuesdays & Thursdays, I may just boom out and try that next week. I'm just going to feel really bad if I'm the youngest (which I probably will be) and the only one with a husband with a yoga center (which I'm sure I will be) and then I'm the worse one in class! At least it's exercise and if I start going, I'm sure I'll improve, so I just need to mark it on my calendar and force myself to start, otherwise I'll do what I did this week, be tied up doing something else and say I'll go next time and once again find myself otherwise occupied! It's the starting that's key - so hopefully Tuesday will be the day, maybe I can get Bharata to push me to go.

Well, we're at Starbucks and it's already dark, which means even colder, so we're going to head back home before the temperature drops much more and we turn into ice sculptures :-) just kidding, it's not that cold! Talk to you guys tomorrow. Have a great night and hope if you have anything left to do for Christmas, you get it done tomorrow!

Christmas Chemo

I got the best chemo nurse I've had yet, I didn't even feel it when she put the IV in! That's amazing! This is my last time before I have my port put in, so I won't be using the veins anymore, but if I was, I would want her - she's the best!

Bharata's coming today, actually he would have arrived by now, but his plane was delayed in Charlotte, but that is a great airport to be delayed in! I'm always disappointed when I fly through there, because I never seem to have much time between flights, I always hope for a delay! I'm hoping he will agree to go to the Chicago Deli when we get through here, and I'm hoping they do breakfast all day - because I could really go for pancakes, eggs & grits! The cafe here isn't terribly vegetarian friendly, they have hotdogs on Wednesdays and they have macaroni and cheese but I didn't want that much dairy! Some how the Mac & cheese just doesn't send me and the soups on Wednesday are both meat soups. That reminds me, when I was in the hospital they got my first few meal orders messed up, so they sent one of the supervisors down to see what I wanted and straighten things out. He told me he would have them send vegetarian menus for me to choose from. I was talking to my sister on the phone while making my selections after that and she asked about the vegetarian menu, I told her I never got those. The next day I happened to think about it and looked a little closer, they did send what they considered a vegetarian menu - no meat or poultry, just fish! I haven't looked that careful before to see all the non pasta options were fish, I just assumed it was the regular menu because I saw fish on it. So obviously the hospital is of the belief that vegetarians eat fish! Surprising how many people don't know what a vegetarian is, frightening actually! We found a vegetarian place we're going to try out, even has raw food and then I see there's another place in a neighboring town that Chrissy Hines from The Pretenders started, so maybe we'll check that too if we have time! Meanwhile all I want now is a BIG breakfast!

Luckily I've finished all my Christmas shopping and everything has been shipped, so I can just chill - I don't mind going shopping or out and about at the holidays if it's just for fun, it's when you have to get things that it becomes stressful! Now all I have to do is figure out where we can go for Christmas dinner - I think I'll check out the yellow pages for places that look like they'll have vegetarian options and then see who's going to be open! Actually I'm assuming those two vegetarian places are closed, but I should call and verify that! I like eating out on holidays, it seems more festive, a different environment, a lot of people, things all decorated & festive - plus you have nothing to clean up and you can linger if you feel like it or get up as soon as you're finished eating if you're tired, it isn't rude like if you did that at someone's house! Plus you can each have whatever you're in the mood for, there's no set menu. One year we had Chinese, and that actually sounds pretty good, not sure if it's because I'm hungry or if it really does sound good!

Looks like it's stopped snowing, so that's good, I didn't want another mess like two weeks ago. First, because it would be horrible to try to get here from the airport in such traffic and bad weather conditions and then the second reason is because I don't want anything interfering with my BIG breakfast. You'd think I was back on steroids the way I'm talking about food! I think I will look up the deli and call to see if they do serve breakfast all day. Otherwise I need to find a Denny's or a Pancake House - talk about bad food choices! Who cares, it's Christmas and I deserve it!!!!!

Well, I'm starting to feel woozy from my premeds, I'm going to go before I really start rambling! You all have a great night and I'll catch you tomorrow.

My Daily Trip to Starbucks

I'm back at Starbucks, the energy here is much more uplifting than at the bagel shop. It seems like the people who go to the bagel shop go to eat, but here, there are students working on homework, people catching up with old friends, others surfing the Internet, it's just a real mix of people. It makes for a more stimulating environment, so I rather like it!

I understand Friday is when they're expecting a lot of snow, at least that's what the nurse said this morning. The forecast calls for snow each day, but probably like today just little flurries, nothing terribly substantial, I'll have to watch the news to see what they expect Friday! I wonder if it will be like that storm w had a couple weeks ago - that was a mess! That's one up side to not being able to drive :-) I don't have to drive in the snow! See every cloud has a silver lining!

I'm feeling much better the last couple of days. Soaking in Epsom salts really helps the achy joints (side effect of chemotherapy) and I'm working on the fatigue, I have to find a balance between just giving in to it and staying in bed all day and pushing myself too much and overdoing it! Staying in bed too long gets you down, so that's not good, but I do need my rest, so I'm trying to find the balance. That's not exactly my strong suit, but I'm working on it and getting better at it - so I'm making progress! Watching Christmas movies is a good compromise, it's not just vegetating in bed, but it doesn't require a lot of energy. I'm curious what's on tonight, apparently there is no such thing as a TV guide other than if you have the paper delivered to your home. So watching TV is not something you can plan out, because who knows what's Ginger to be on. I'm beginning to get use to it, actually this is a very good exercise for me, because when I use to watch TV I would go through the TV guide on Sunday and figure out what wanted to watch for the entire week. That's really pretty anal, so this is forcing me out of that, I just have to wing it!

I went to Aladdin's - it's pretty good, I had a falafel salad and hummus - it was good, plus I didn't have to fix anything or wash any dishes :-). It's pretty chilly out, I'm going to guess the low 20s and since it's starting to get late (usually gets dark around 5-5:30) I'm going to head back home shortly so I don't freeze. The temperature should begin dropping soon. Sitting here in Starbucks gave me time to warm up after having walked from Aladdin's to the bank and then to Starbucks.

I just noticed, they have the same hanging lamps that we used in the lobby of Bella Mare, they look a little better here because they're higher rather than hanging low over the table. Although I must admit, they really don't do much for me. Well, before it gets too cold, I'm going to sign off and head back home! I'll catch up with you guys again tomorrow. Have a great night.

Another Lazy Sunday!

Here I am again just lazing around, i didn't get up until 1:00, but it took me until after 2:00 to get dressed! I finally got motivated enough to walk down to Starbucks, that way I get out, post to my blog and get some exercise - Starbucks is further away than the bagel shop! I might walk past the bagel shop the other way and see what this Middle Eastern restaurant I was reading about on the Internet. It sounded pretty good, I have to see if they have a menu in the window, and also what their hours are. Might be a place for us to try while Bharata's up here at Christmas!

There's a little snow falling, they are just tiny, tiny snowflakes, in fact they almost look like raindrops but they're dry! The forecast has changed again, now they're calling for snow everyday this week! The key will be how much snow! Tomorrow is going to be a real test for me, I'm going to get up early - that means leave home by say 8:00 AM - so I can go to the post office and mail some packages - if I don't go tomorrow I'm afraid I'll miss a pre-Christmas delivery! I can't have that, what kind of Santa would I be? That reminds me of a Christmas movie I just watched, I can't remember the name, something about Santa Claus, Santa only reins as Santa for 200 years, then someone else takes over, in this case Whoopie Goldberg took over - just think, that could be me, with a white wig, red suit & a sleigh with reindeer! That would be awesome! I could totally go for being Santa Claus! Last year we had a great time, buying Christmas presents for kids & their siblings in the Head Start program in West Palm Beach and Bharata played Santa at their Christmas party, it was so much fun! I heard about the program and need for toys a couple of years ago on the radio and have so enjoyed getting presents for these kids. This year we had planned to do the Santa thing again and even thought we'd schedule to go a few days early and do Santa pictures with the kids and then take them to the parents at the party. Most of these families can't afford to but pictures of the kids with Santa, but I'm sue they'd appreciate having one. That will just have to wait for next year! Hopefully they got enough toys for everyone.

I'm realizing I feel much better when I get out - it's just getting myself out that's the difficult part! I'm trying to come up with some sort of plan to make this easier. I think I've hit the saturation point where the cumulative effects of the chemotherapy have built up in my body causing it to be a bit more difficult to stay active and remain as positive. So that means I have to bring out the big guns (first, I have to figure out what the big guns are). I refuse to let these toxins get the best of me, they have their purpose, to destroy the cancer, and I fully intend to allow them to do that, but I have to use other alternative therapies to dispose of the by-products which aren't needed for fighting the cancer so they don't pull me down. I think the secret to all of this is to understand the effects the toxins have and to combat them, rather than just letting it take you over not really understanding what's happening. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people don't understand this and are overwhelmed by it without knowing why and once it's pulled you into it's vortex, getting out because almost impossible - which is why I intent to gain control of the situation before it gets to that point!

I'm just looking across the street and I see the door to the India Community Center is open, I actually thought the place was closed and the sign had never been removed because it looked sort of abandoned, but I guess not. I wonder what exactly they have and or do there? I'll have to check it out and I can tell Pooja, the little girl I sponsor in India through the Christian Children's Fund. I try from time to time to write something in Spanish to Tania (not that my Spanish is very good) she's the little girl I sponsor in Bolivia. I've thought about sponsoring a child since I was in my teens but never got around to it. This sounds crazy but it was a Jack Nicholson movie that gave me the push I needed! It's quite rewarding, I'm really glad I finally made the commitment.

Well, I'm not sure if it's my imagination or not, but it looks like it's getting colder out there, so I'm going to sign off and head back home. Have a wonderful rest of the afternoon and evening and I'll be back tomorrow.

Can't believe it's the weekend again

Here we are, it's Friday again, I can't believe it! It's about 28 degrees, but it feels pretty mild because it isn't windy. We are having some very light snow flurries, it's a very dry snow, so it's nice, although I'm not sure if it's sticking. It's hard to tell because it's so light! Perhaps another month or so I'll have the hang of this whole snow thing! :-)

Well, last night I buzzed my hair off to 1/8" length - the chemotherapy is making it fall out and then what's around the area that fell out sticks out, haven't figured out why, but this takes care of that. Who knew it would be so easy to eliminate a bad hair day! I think my hairdresser might freak out, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her! I think tomorrow is supposed to be a nice day, but I'll see when I get up. Ohio seems to be like Florida, if you don't like the weather wait 15 minutes! They give these forecasts and then a few hours later or the next day it's totally changed. I just check the weather if I think I want to go out and then decide based on what's happening right then. It's actually kind of a good thing, sort of keeps me in the moment! I also don't put things off for later, because who knows what later will bring, so if the weathers nice and I have something that needs to be done, I do it because I don't know when another opportunity will present itself!

I think I'm going to schedule some treatments from the Reflections program, I was going to before I ended up in the hospital and things got crazy. It's a program that provides free alternative treatments to cancer patients, like massage, reflexology, reiki, etc... It's great! Just have to decide which treatments to go for! Well, if I can't decide I'll just close my eyes and point, like pin the tail on the donkey, without the pin! :-)

I think I'm going to run, well not run actually, go take a nap! I'll talk to you guys later. Have a great afternoon and evening!

Talk About Feeling Stupid!!!!

When I got home from chemotherapy I did my pranayama, took my supplements and went to bed, I was out for the count. I didn't wake up until 7:00 and my home care nurse would be here at 9:30, I had to hurry. I did my pranayama, cleaned up, got dressed, had breakfast && started making my green drink to take my supplements with; something was niggling around in the back of my mind, not really a conscious thought, but there nonetheless. What was it? I had not quite an hour before the nurse would be here, I needed to hurry, I stopped the green drink and got everything ready for the nurse first, just in case she's early, I opened the blinds by the dining table and resumed getting everything out for my drink. The niggling thought had made it's way to the front of my mind and was forming into a conscious thought, all of a sudden it popped out as a question. Why is it still dark outside, it should have been light almost 2 hours ago? My first thought was what could delay sunrise? Luckily that was just in passing (or I would really worry about myself) then I thought, is it morning? I went to my iPhone looked at the time and saw it was PM, not AM! The good news I hadn't finished my green drink and taken my supplements yet, since I'd just had taken a few hours before, the bad news I was rushing around getting ready for an event that wouldn't take place for 12 hours! I'm not sure why I just assumed it was morning when I woke up rather than that I had just taken a nap as I had intended. When I woke up it never even crossed my mind it was still evening, I must have felt extremely well rested. I did feel foolish! I'll have to start checking AM or PM from now on unless it's clearly light outside! :-)

I feel like my energy is coming back, could be from the steroids in the premeds, but I don't think so, but that would account for a the burst of energy when I woke up around midnight! I even did some yoga, no inverted postures or anything too strenuous, just some leg lifts, the tree and some triangle variations - i figured those would help strengthen my legs, improve my coordination & balance and not bother anything else. I didn't want to do any inverted poses, figured those could be detrimental to the brain, not worth taking a chance. It's 17 degrees today, but the wind has died down so that shouldn't be so bad. The wind is what causes the cold to just cut through you! I'm going to walk over to Dave's Market after the nurse leaves, just to pick up a few things, the weather is so unpredictable I figure when it's nice I need to take care of things because tomorrow might not be an option! Other than that I'm just going to stay inside and keep warm! Well, one other thing I plan to do is trim the hair to an 1/8" see how that works. There will still be a layer of hair to hold in heat, but it'll be shorter and should stick out in all directions around the patches that have fallen out. Otherwise, it's henna tattoos and keeping my fingers crossed the hats hold in enough heat. I wonder if the make silk under hats, like the long underwear they make for skiing - if not I need to add that to the list Kasey and I are making of ideas to research and perhaps pursue! Personally I think that's something there's a market for, especially for women, because a lot of winter hats look great (which is why we buy and wear them) but they aren't very warm, this would solve the problem! I'll google it, if it's out there, google knows! I don't know how we survived before google. I'll bet term papers and reports for school are a piece of cake compared to what we had to go through to research them. Well, actually that's not fair, truth is they probably expect a lot better papers from kids these days because there's so much available information. Everything's relative! Maybe that's why 12 year olds can use Facebook and I still can't figure it out! :-)

Well, I'm going to run, I want to be ready when the nurse arrives considering I was up 12 hours early! It's going to take me awhile to get over that. What was I thinking? I mean come on that's taking punctuality to an extreme :-). Can I count it even though it wasn't intentional? I didn't think so! Oh well! Have a fabulous day!

A Milder Day

I'm having my fifth chemotherapy treatment today. I've already had my pre-meeds so if I start sounding loopy or rambling, that's why :-). It's actually not as cold as I expected and is a pretty nice day, I do see a few scattered snowflakes, but nothing to speak of! As long as it doesn't turn into a repeat of last Wednesday, I'm fine with it! I understand a lot of the employees couldn't even go home last Wednesday because the weather was so bad! To think we complain about hurricanes, at least we get some notice and have time to prepare!

I'm finally having a few side effects from the chemotherapy, some fatigue which isn't so bad, it slows me down and forces me to rest which I wouldn't always do otherwise! So that's a god thing. My hair is also coming out, I have to decide about the henna tattoos, I thought that was a great idea back when the temperatures were probabLy in the 50s & 60s - now with temperatures in the 20's & teens, I'm sort of rethinking that concept - my head gets kind of cold even with hair (even with a hat) so I'm not sure how cold it will be with a naked head! I've heard that you lose most of your body heat through the head, so I'm giving that some thought. Guess my option would be a wig or something, which seems like it would be rather uncomfortable but having a cold head will probably be uncomfortable too. So we will see how that goes - decisions, decisions, it's like going to the hairdresser and going through all those magazines trying to decide on just the right " do"! Actually it would be great to have one of those old- fashioned hairdryers you sat under (I remember my mom had one when I was a kid) I could just pop under there and warm up my head if it got cold - but I haven't seen one of those in years! I wonder what Kojak did during the winter? Should be the same for bald men, right? Who knows, I'll figure it out I'm sure! I should have such problems, there are people with no food and all sorts of other problems, keeping my head warm is hardly a big deal!

I can feel myself starting to doze off from the Benadryl - don't know why it always throws me for such a loop, but it does! I always want to get stuff done during this time and it doesn't cooperate very well! Probably another one of those signs I need to slow down and reattach, whether I like it or not! Oh well, don't guess I have much of a choice, so I'm going to sign off and take a nap! Have a great afternoon, I certainly intend to! Ciao!

Brrrrrrrr!

Well this morning it's 18 degrees according to my weather program, they were saying the windchill would be zero, so I'm assuming that's the case because it's very windy - but I'm not going outside to find out!  :-)
I'm feeling much better this morning, I had a great Theta healing session last evening, there were 3 practioners, not just one.  It really got me back on track, I've been sort of discombobulated since being in the hospital - my schedule got all out of wack and it's been difficult to get back on track - but it's coming together. 

The fever seems to be more or less under control, when I do have one it isn't very high, so it doesn't zap my energy the way fevers do when they are high.  So that's a good thing!  Even though the hospital stay disrupted my visit with my sister, I think it was very positive, it gave me more peace of mind since they did so many tests to basically rule out possibilities of what was causing the fevers and they came up with a new wound care plan that seems to be working much better, so all in all, even though I didn't necessarily think so at the time, this too was exactly what I needed.  It's just amazing how things just keep falling together.  It's like a perfectly orchestrated concert - amazing how that works when I just listen rather than try to conduct! 

I'm starting to work on my artwork, I'm adding to my Postcards to God series.  When I get home I'll be uploading all of them to my website, so I'll have some from this experience to add to the collection.  I've found working on these postcards to be very cathartic while documenting my life experiences over the past several years.  It's good to be getting back to this, it reconnects me to who I am.  So here again another positive thing I'm receiving from this experience.  Well, I've got to run, will be back later!

Snow Picture

OK, here's the picture I promised you of the snow - i took it through the window screen, but you should be able to see how much snow we got.  It is just so pretty!

My Latest Wild Adventure

Sorry I've been incommunicado for the last week, I've had quite an adventure. My elbow was a bit swollen, red and a little sore last Friday so my doctor put me on antibiotics and told me if I developed a fever to call immediately. My sister was coming to visit on Saturday. After I got up and got it together on Saturday I took my temperature just because he said to watch it, not thinking I actually had one - well I did and it was fairly high, but I tend to run high fevers so I wasn't terribly concerned. Since it was the weekend I put in a page to whoever was on call, shortly after my sister arrived, he called me back and instructed me to go to the emergency room! After about 30 minutes of driving. And stops at several wrong buildings, we finally arrived at the ER. I was there for about 6 hours having all kinds of tests, they finally decided what he had thought when he sent me over, I needed IV antibiotics, so they started those and admitted me to the hospital. I was a bit stunned considering prior to taking my temperature I thought I was fine. Guess that's why I'm not a doctor :-). I was quite impressed with how thorough they were, they leave no stone unturned! After I was admitted, they did even more tests. The most stocking part of all this, at least for me because until all of this started I had never been in a hospital, was how little rest you get. I've always thought of libraries for sick people, a place where you whisper and be very quiet and the patients rest - they are nothing like that! They're fairly noisy but the big thing is they wake you up all night long to do tests, I was extremely fortunate, the techs who came around every few hours to check my vital signs would come and take mine early if it was only 30 minutes or so before the scheduled time because they knew I was awake because they just changed my IV or did blood work I thought that was so considerate.

I saw at least 8 different doctors during my 3 day stay, which I find amazing, everyone here is specialized but they confer with each other to make sure they are giving the patient the best possible care and with that many opinions I felt quite comfortable they were on top of anything I needed. It wasn't a bad experience at all, except it occurred during my sister's visit. They never found anything, like an infection, causing the fever, but apparently just having cancer can cause fevers, but I feel much better knowing they checked me from head to toe so that's probably all it is. I was still running fevers when I got home so I just have to take Tylenol. They seem to have gradually made their way down so when I run one it's just slightly over normal, which is great. I had been a bit tired for the past few days, from the fevers, I'm sure, but today I feel pretty much back to normal.

Here's the best thing, it snowed, we probably have about a foot in the courtyard, it's almost to the seat of the chairs! I doubt very many people up here find that exciting, but for someone from Florida, it's great, especially at the holidays! The beginning of the week we're supposed to get a lot of snow, something called the Lake Effect and it will be in the teens with 30 mile an hour winds and a windchill around zero - so I plan to be watching all the snow out my window while I stay nice and toasty! My sister got me all stocked up, she lives in upstate New York, so she knows about not being able to get out when there's a big snow storm. Apparently there is a Nor-Easter coming through her place and then here contributing to next weeks weather. Doesn't bother me, Hallmark channel is running Christmas programs almost 24/7 - what more can you ask for? I'm going to try to get some good pictures of the snow and I'll upload them - it's sooooo pretty! It's not icy this week, it's more like powder, so this is giving me time to relearn how to walk around in it! I haven't spent much time in snow in a long time, this way I'll be prepared for next week when it's icy snow!

There's something interesting I've noticed, quite a few women wear fur coats! I was surprised, of course I don't see that in Florida, but seems like I was always hearing about PETA people throwing red paint on people in fur! So either they stopped, they don't do that in Ohio or all these coats are faux fur, be interesting to know which one. As they say, inquiring minds want to know :-)! Well, I think I'm going to sign off now, I'll be back later. I've missed you guys, thanks again for all the prayers, love & support!

Last Treatment this Round

Today (actually right now) is my third/last treatment of this round. I have a treatment each week for three weeks then the fourth week off, then start round two. The really amazing thing is, so far, I have no side effects except after I brush my teeth, they don't feel slick/shiny and clean - but I can certainly handle that! I am just so fortunate and extremely grateful - everything is just moving along beautifully!

We are having snow flurries, it's just a very light dusting so it's beautiful to watch but it doesn't cause problems with traffic or getting around. I love it! I have always loved Christmas, I wait all year for it. I believe this may be my most meaningful Christmas so far. I have to admit that in the past I got so caught up with decorating, parties and finding the perfect presents that I lost sight of what Christmas is all about. This experience has put me in a situation where most of those distractions have been removed. I bought a few gifts earlier in the year and will pick up a few more things, but nothing like in years past, this year I've been slowed down enough to remember what Christmas is really all about and to take the time to really appreciate and be grateful for the incredible gift God gave us. This is another gift I've received from the cancer. It's really amazing the way they gifts just keep coming! I'm just so grateful for all of this. I'm sure some of you probably think I'm crazy, because if I were in your position that's what I would have been thinking before all this happened; but now everything has changed it's as if my life began on October 25! Instead of choosing to accept a death sentence I chose to begin a new life, although I had Divine help sent thru all of you - because I had no idea the beautiful journey I was beginning! Everyday is a new and wonderful adventure, it's absolutely incredible!

Today I feel fantastic, I basically did nothing but sleep for the past two days and that's obviously exactly what I needed because I woke up early feeling refreshed this morning! I've decided I need to start writing down everything I'm doing in addition to my medical treatments; my nutritional supplements, theta healing, green drinks, pranayama, gratitude practice, etc... Because I believe it's those things that are the reason I haven't experienced any side effects, this way maybe somebody else could benefit the same way! Whatever happens to each of us, if we can share the expeience to help others it makes it more meaningful! Something I've learned from an experience and tell you (so you don't need to go through the steps of learning it yourself) frees you up to learn something new that you can pass on to the next person. We become a chain, bonded to each other through shared experiences, it's quite beautiful.

I think my pre-meeds are kicking in because I'm starting to doze off, so before I drift off to lala land I'm going to say good day and sign off, I'll be back tomorrow. Ciao!

Lazy Lazy Day

This is going to be a very short blog today.  This is my rest day - I slept for 16 hours, woke up at noon, finally got up and took a shower at 3, then laid back down and watched a Christmas movie until 6 so I've been out of the bed for about 2 hours including my shower!  Needless to say I haven't done much today, but that's OK because I need to get me rest.  Here's the cool part - I was checking the weather on my phone so I would know what to wear to go for my chemo treatment tomorrow - it said Wednesday & Thursday would be high 33 and low 28 and it showed snow - so I go over to the window and open the blinds and there's snow in the courtyard!  Not a lot but some anyway, so that is cool.  I'll see how much it snows tomorrow!

I'm actually looking forward to my chemo treatment, it's very relaxing because of the benadryl they give you as premeds - I go to sleep for most of it.  Of course I have to wonder how much can I possible sleep since I'm getting ready to go back to bed now.  So I hope to blog a lot more tomorrow while I'm having my chemo.  Good night.

Lazy Day

Somehow this seems like a lazy Sunday, it's raining (wish it would snow, but it's too warm)and I didn't get out of my pajamas until after 1 PM! I'm keeping my schedule empty for today. I'm just going to take it easy and probably do nothing today. It seems like every day I have a million things to do and I'm going all day long, so this is my present to myself chill out day.

I'm rather amazed at how differently things affect me now, or rather don't affect me. When I was wandering all over this campus lost yesterday, in the past I would have been stressed, frightened, just beside myself, the only issue this time was exhaustion! I wasn't frightened or upset, I was just beginning to get very tired and wanted to get back so I could sit down and rest. There has been a complete shift in the way I think, which is pretty amazing. The best part is fear seems to have been removed from my reality. Fear has always been the dominant emotion in my life and now, it is as though it doesn't exist. Having the fear removed is so freeing, it's as if a weight has been lifted. I never realized how much energy it took to maintain the fear in my life, but now that I'm experiencing it from the other side, I see that I expended tremendous amounts of energy to fear. Just think how much more we could accomplish if we didn't waste tremendous amounts energy on negative emotions! The worst part is, most of us don't even realize we're wasting all this energy. Well, I'm going to leave you with that thought. Hope you all have a great day, I certainly intend to!

Lost Again

I got lost today, when I came out of the post office, I made a right instead of a left, so although I was 2 small blocks from where I was going, I toured the entire Cleveland Clinic.  I must have wandered for 4-5 miles, finally I saw a police officer in his car and asked him how to get back to the main building - turns out I just had to walk in the door next to me go to the end of the hall and make a left!  Thank God he was sitting there or I would still be wandering around!  But boy did I get great exercise!  I would have never done that much walking otherwise, but I know it was good for me.  Plus, I was so relaxed from my Reflexology treatment, that was great!  Trying to decide what treatment I'll do next, maybe the Reflexology again, there are a lot of choices, you know how that is - too many choices you can't make up your mind!  :-)  I'll manage though. 

They put up the Christmas Trees over the weekend, they are so pretty, and GREEN!  They're decorated with white balls that say Cleveland Clinic, and then they are covered with all different shapes of mirrors which reflect the light coming from the ceiling lights - so the trees sparkle and appear to have lights, but they don't, it's really cool.  I took some pictures, they don't really do them justice, but hopefully you'll get the idea.

I'll be back in the morning, but for now, I'm going to be!  Can't believe I'm going to bed so early, but there's no need staying up if I'm tired, so I'm not going to!  In the past I would push myself too much, but that's foolish, so I'm being more responsible!  Good night and sweet dreams!

Reflexology this Morning

Sorry I didn't get back with you guys yesterday. It seems like everything takes longer than I anticipate, but that's nothing new, I always say I'll be back in a minute to Bharata when I'm going to the grocery or whatever and he tells me I've never gone anywhere and been back in a minute, I need to remove the phrase from my vocabulary! I am very proud of myself, I walked 2 miles yesterday and it didn't seem like I walked much at all, because I was distracted looking at things. This is one of those times when distractions are a good thing! When I do laps around the mezzanine I am well aware of how much I'm walking, that's probably how athletes feel when the coach makes them do laps! Don't you love it, I'm comparing myself to an athlete! :-)

This is going to be a very short blog this morning, because I'm waiting for the bus and for some reason I could get Google to tell me when it was coming, so I'm sort of winging it! Luckily the stop is right in front of Bruegger's Bagels and there are windows on the front, because according to my weather for Cleveland it's 33 degrees out there! That's chilly for a Florida girl! :-). I'm rather enjoying the cold weather though, it's a nice change. Plus, it's not like I have to get up everyday and venture out to work or school. That's another benefit of the bus, you don't have to scrape ice off the windshield! Talk later!

An Epiphany

Another epiphany, I've finally become one with my spiritual name and have come to understand the significance of a Buddhist saying that always resonated with me.  My spiritual name is Padma, which means lotus flower, several years ago I was reading a book when I came across this Buddhist saying "May we all live like the lotus, at home in the muddy water."  It struck me as so profound on a personal level, but I thought it was something to aspire towards just like anyone else might do.  Now I get it.  Padma is now at home in the muddy water.  It's so fascinating to watch all the loose ends that are floating around in my life suddenly begin aligning themselves and starting to make so many things so clear.

It's starting to get chilly here, today the high is 41 and the low will be 33, so it's definitely hat weather!  I wore the fuzzy one the social worker gave me yesterday - now is this me or what?

I'm going to make a trek to Whole Foods in a little while.  I can walk all around the store and get my exercise in and it's more interesting than just making laps on the mezzanine.  I also need to pick up some more kale for my green drinks.  I figure today will be a good day since tomorrow I go in the opposite direction, to go to the clinic for a reflexology appointment.  I'm getting better at the buses, I found out the reason there aren't any schedules around for my routes is because they are making changes that should be out in a couple of weeks.  The drivers are so helpful and patient the schedules aren't really necessary, well I guess they are to be at the stop at the correct time, but I get that off Google Transit.  What did we ever do before the Internet?  It's mind-boggling the resources we have at our fingertips.  Remember in the "old days" when we had to go to the library and look something up rather than just Google it?  Wow!  I remember when we used typewriters with carbon paper to make a copy of something.  Things have really changed! 

I'll be back when I get home from Whole Foods!  You guys have a great day!

Saturday's Here

Sorry I didn't get back to you guys last night, but by the time I got home put away my shopping, did my pranayama, took my vitamins and had dinner, I was too tired, so I just went to bed! I had a very productive day, though, got all my Mother-in-law's Christmas gifts. Macy's was having an incredible sale and they not only have petites, but they carry styles for women over 20, so between Macy's & JoAnn's, plus what I already had purchased at home, she's all set! I did learn one thing, instead of going to every store (which I pretty much did) it's better to do maybe one a day or something, it's a pain to have all these shopping bags on the bus, they're very cumbersome! But I managed, what kind of world class shopper would I be if I couldn't get the stuff home?

I spent a long time talking to a mentally challenged young man at the bus stop, it made me realize I need to be more aware of the people around me. I think he was very lonely and it really seemed to make a big difference for him to have someone just talk to him and be facused on him and interested in what he was saying. It just goes to show, you never know how the simplest act can brighten someone's life. He wanted to know if I knew about jets, apparently he's interested in hearing about flying, unfortunately all I knew was that Neil flys them! I told him I watch for him when I'm out, so I'm going to get some facts from Neil and memorize them, just in case I see him again. It's a good thing we were sitting on a bench, because he thought I was in my 30's like him, when I told him I was 53 I thought he was going to fall off the bench! Hey, works for me if people think I'm in my 30's! It made me start thinking, there are probably some older people in my building who live alone and are lonely, so I have to start paying more attention. There's a lot to be said for not getting caught up un yourself and focusing on others, it's not only good for them, it's extremely beneficial for me as well. I think learning to be more aware and attentive to the needs of others is another one of the gifts I have received. I had chosen to see myself as a relatively good person who was concerned about others, but I see now that I was rather self-absorbed, so it's great that I have this opportunity to change that. I would love to be able to experience the world through Mother Teresa's eyes, seeing only the Divine in people and being selfless enough to focus on their needs and best interests rather than my own. I've always admired her, but never really thought there was a chance to experience life as she did, but now, I feel like the possibility is there I simply have to choose to take it and go with it. I'll keep you posted on my progress. It really feels good to have a higher goal or purpose rather than just concerning myself with feeling good for the moment because of all these worldly distractions. I think this is leading me toward a goal I've had for a very long time, but never really pursued, somehow making this world a better place. Now I guess I just need to find the way in which I'm able to do that. I have no doubt, that if I just sit quietly and listen, God will show me exactly what to do! The problem in the past has always been not being quiet and not listening, but that's changing! I'm going to sign off now, I'll try to post again later. Hope all of you have a fantastic Saturday!

Black Friday

I'm going to fulfill my duty as a red blooded American by starting my Christmas shopping today! Actually I started during the summer, but today seems to be when they start counting it towards meeting the goals set for the holiday season. The biggest thing is to get the presents for my mother-in-law so I can send them to Bharata, he can wrap them and take them to her before he comes up here for Christmas. The stores are like my mezzanine, they provide a great place to walk. I have to admit, shopping doesn't hold the lure it use to, now it's the end result rather than looking forward to the act itself! Amazing the changes all this has had on me. I found these really cool books at Hallmark, you read the story and it records your voice on each page doing that. I have one for each of the two girls I sponsor through the Christian Children's Fund. I know they won't understand the words because it's in English and one is in Bolivia and the other India, but I think it will provide a connection if they can hear my voice as they page through and look at the pictures. We don't always need to speak the same language to communicate. I was also finally able to find postcards for them, The Alcazar has a great selection, but so far no place else in town seems to deal in postcards! I always send them a postcard from wherever I go, I know I use to love getting things like that when I was a child, so I've deduced this is a universal truth for children. I wouldn't make a very good researcher I don't have a worthwhile size group from which I determined this! :-).

I just can't get over how good I feel, seems like everyday I feel stronger and better, it's great! I certainly don't feel like I'm dying, I don't really even feel sick and since as far as I'm concerned what you believe plays a huge part in your recovery from illness, I'm in great shape! So far I don't feel any side effects from the chemotherapy, in fact I actually feel like I'm improving from it already, I don't know if that's possible, but it certainly seems that way. This is why I decided to stay up here for the chemotherapy, I really have complete faith in my doctor and on top of that he's a really nice person and that's important. Of course you all keep hearing this, but everyone here is incredibly nice, it just continues to amaze me.

I've decided after I get home, I'm going to have more get togethers or whatever you might call them. It seems like I'm always thinking about doing it, but just get caught up in the minutiae of everyday life and don't make the time. Staying connected to the people in your life makes a huge difference in the overall quality. I think I'm finally seeing what's really important, rather than letting all these little unimportant details fill up my life and keep me distracted. I can create my own community, even in the burbs! It's foolish to sit and think that can't exist because we don't walk to the grocery store! Life can be anything we decide to make it and I intend to make mine incredible! It can be anything I imagine and as the book said, "Think Big" so that's what I intend to do! No more wasting time and energy worrying about a piece of paper being out of place or whatever, it's time to enjoy all the blessings I have and share them with all the people in my life! I've spent my life waiting for the perfect time to start living, well, there is no "perfect" time, the time is now. Just do it, enjoy everyday with any little bumps that may come along, after all, I learned firsthand the little (or not so little) bumps can be some of our greatest blessings. Well, I'm going to sign off now, I'll update you on my Black Friday contribution when I get home! Have a fantastic day and enjoy every little thing that happens, you never know how special it may turn out to be!

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope all of you had as wonderful a Thanksgiving as I did.  Obviously this was a rather special one for me :-)
Today has been doubly great, because I seem to have so much more energy than I usually do.  I've been going all day, just now slowed down enough to do my blog and yet I'm not exhausted, I'm not really even tired.  I think part of this is because I'm doing more pranayama and I walked a mile today - the exercise gets me going.  I found a great way to get my walking in from one of my neighbors.  I do laps around the second floor mezzanine, it's great, that way I'm never far from my room, there are chairs & sofas in case I were to need a rest, plus the weather doesn't effect me.  Today it was cold and rainy so walking outside wasn't an option, but inside it was perfect!  I even found a free pedometer application for the iphone, so I know how far I've walked and how long. 

I heard Lifetime was having a movie marathon today and tomorrow and had planned to see if any of the movies were Christmas shows, but I didn't even have time for that, I was just too busy!  Go figure!  I'm a girl who loves her Christmas shows, so we're talking I was busy not to be able to see if any of the movies were Christmas movies!  I feel like I'm really getting back to normal.  For the past month, I haven't done much and that in itself really drags you down.  So it's great that I'm moving again, it really feels good. 

I started reading a wonderful book, and it's really appropriate for today: "Living Life as a Thank You" it's really inspiring and some of the stories really parallel my own.  I highly recommend it if anyone's interested.  I feel very grateful for the amazing outpouring of prayers, love, advice, aneqdotes, inspiring stories, hats, earrings and lists of resources, I'm overwhelmed by it all and I hope to find my unique way to give back.  So, if any of you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.  This not only warms my heart, it restores my faith in humanity.  Every day we're inundated with all the bad that's happening in the world, but there's so much good happening that we just don't hear about - we really need to focus on the good it's so much more uplifting and inspiring.  All the love I'm receiving makes me strive to be a better person, this really is how each of us can make the world a better place. 

It's interesting, I don't think in terms of "if" I get better, it's "when" I get better and when that happens (which it's happening now, it's a process) but I know that I have something to give and discovering what exactly that is and then giving it is what I have to do, I feel like somehow it's my destiny and this cancer is taking me on a journey to make this discovery.  It's already altering the way I look at life in such a way that I'm open to discovering and following whatever this destiny of mine is.  It just keeps amazing me how beautiful an experience this is when in the past I would never have considered describing it in that way.  Ah, what a difference perspective can make. 

Well, once again, I will bid you good night.  Sweet dreams.  I look forward to our time together tomorrow.

Treatment #2

I'm sitting here in my recliner with one of those tables that slides over my lap, it's just like downtown! I'm telling you this because the Benadryl may make me a bit loopy!

I realized this morning, now that I've moved th the Alcazar, it reminds me of the time I spent in San Francisco last year. There's a sense of community, it's a neighborhood where people connect and interact with each other. I really like it, I'm part of something bigger than myself and that's great! Taking the bus was great, very easy to get around, everyone was both nice and helpful and the best part is you're connected. That's one of the drawbacks of living in the burbs, we tend to be so isolated. At home I find myself leaving my house, getting into the car and going to my destination, I do whatever I went for and then return home the same way. I say hello to my neighbors, but there isn't much interaction, I don't feel connected, I find I feel isolated. The interesting part is I'm not really aware of it until I'm someplace like this which is in sharp contrast to it. It's funny, sad really, that I was almost sleep walking through my life, everyday living had basically become a set of habits I wasn't really aware of I just muddled through each day, oblivious to all the wonderful possibilities! A lot of us exist that way and miss out on so much! This is just another way my cancer really is a very precious gift, because it's giving me a whole new view on life! It just goes to show we never really know what is going to be a blessing, we just need to stay open to the possibilities and the universe will give us everything we need! On that note I'm going to sign off, because I'm starting to get drowsy! Have a great afternoon and evening, I'll be back tomorrow!

Can't Help Laughing

As I said earlier, I had a great day today.  Well, after my last post, I weent for a walk to locate the bus stop.  According to Google Transit, it is located on the corner of Cedar & Grandview, so I assumed that was the street Starbuck's is on the corner of.  Well, that's not Grandview, so I continued walking but as far as I could see up ahead, there was no street called Grandview.  I was preparing myself for an extremely long walk, when I got to Chase Bank, which seemed sort of far away when we were driving, but it was no where by foot, and the bus stop sign was right across the street!  Piece of cake I thought, this is no problem.  I turned around and headed back toward my corner (with the bagel shop) and just as I start to cross the side street, I look up and right in front of the bagel shop on my corner, barely a hop skip and a jump from my apartment building is a bus stop sign!  I just looked at it and started laughing!  Here I was preparing for a long walk, searching for the elusive bus stop down the street when theres one practically outside the front door, it was too much!  But that makes the whole bus thing a piece of cake!  So I'm cool with that!

It was an absolutely exquisite day today, I took a picture, but I'm not sure the picture really conveys how crisp and beautiful a day it was!  I'm heading to Dave's Market which is straight ahead in the picture. 

Oh, I also took a quick snap of the lobby, just so you guys can see how pretty it is.  They had a musical concert yesterday and another one today, so this may be a daily thing, I'm going to have to check into that.  It's really nice though, there's a music room off the lobby where they hold them, but the music can be heard in the lobby and upstairs on my floor because there's an open mezzanine area.  I really enjoy it, it's beautiful classical music.  What more can I ask for?  Not a thing!

Well, I'm going to bid you good night, it's getting way past my bedtime!  I'll talk to you again tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to having my next treatment tomorrow, I really feel very positive about it!  Sweet dreams.

Another Beautiful Day

It' an absolutely beautiful day. The air is crisp & brisk, not too cold, perfect for a walk, which I'm getting ready to go for. I was amazed last night, I went to Target and walked around for a couple of hours (it was raing outside so I couldn't just go for a walk) I felt great after that. My legs didn't feel 100% before I went, but they were great afterward, so now that I realize how good the walking is for me I'm making sure to do a couple of walks a day and it's great when the weather is this beautiful!

I walk to the bagel shop on the corner to blog, it's great because the music they play is soft rock that I really like. So it's a win win, I'm out seeing people, getting fresh air & exercise, great music and I get to talk to all of you! What more could a girl ask for? I'm going to reactivate my Facebook account, so I can follow all the stuff on Bharata's page. I just want to let everyone know, I never really figured out how it works, so don't be offended if you send me a message or something and I don't respond, I just haven't figured it out! That's actually why I went inactive before, I was afraid people were getting upset because I wasn't responding, but it was just too confusing - apparently social networking is too high tech for me! We'll see what happens this time! This can be a test of whether or not you can teach an old dog new tricks :-)

Bharata & I don't watch TV, in fact we don't even have a TV, we gave it away. So basically I haven't watched TV for 10 years, but I love Christmas shows & movies, so I figured they'll be starting this weekend. I can't imagine channel surfing to see what's on, so I've been trying to find a TV Guide (which were everywhere 10 years ago) they're harder to find than a winning lottery ticket! Is TV Guide ( the small weekly magazine book) still being published or am I chasing a ghost from the past? I guess maybe people are into channel surfing these days and don't need guides, who knows!

I'm getting ready to head down the street towards Starbucks, the bus stop is down there someplace according to Google Transit. I'm thinking about just going for a bus ride to check it out. Have to decide which direction to head. The funny part is I'll be heading right or left, I have no concept of easy vs. West, north or south - I'm usually not to bad with directions like that, but I think it's just I'm not really oriented to the middle of the country, even on paper. I have a vague concept of where Ohio is, but It isn't like being on the east or west coast, which I'm familiar with, so I think that's the problem. This way it makes me feel better about it anyway! :-)

Well, I'm going to head out now and get my exercise and fresh air. I really think with the combination of congenital and alternative treatments, I'm going to beat this. I believe it just goes to show sometimes you need both, not just one or the other. I guess part of what this is teaching me is to be open to everything, sometimes I can get locked into one particular headspace and miss the big picture. There are just so many incredible lessons I'm learning, which are really enriching my life. This truly is a fantastic growth opportunity! So much for my mantra "I don't want to grow any more" God has other ideas! I have to admit, though, that I do want to grow more now that I'm getting a glimpse of where that growth is taking me! Perfect example of missing the big picture, when I was locked into the mindset I didn't want to grow because it was difficult. Just think of all the incredible experiences and new way of seeing and experiencing life I would have missed out on. That really could only be described as tragic! So do try to keep your minds and hearts open to all the endless possibilities that are out there! I'll be back later, have a fantastic day, I'm certainly going to!

My Pilgramige

I just figured out, this is my Pilgramige! Some people go to Jerusaleum, others to the Pyrenes, me - I get cancer and go to the Cleveland Clinic! This is the way I need to experience it, for whatever reason, so that's good. This experience is bringing me closer to God and after all that's the entire purpose for any of us to exist - to merge back into the Divine within us, thereby becoming one with God. There's no higher purpose to aspire to than that, so once again I'm shown what a precious gift this is. I am so grateful for all of you helping me to recognize this. It's ironic, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in May of 2009, I believed without a doubt that I would be dead in June of 2010 because both of my parents died 11 months after their diagnosis. I had absolutely no doubt about this, which is why I went to stay at the Sivananda Yoga Center in San Francisco with Swami Padma last fall. The spiritual discipline I received there pulled me out of that belief and Swami Padma is the one who introduced me to Theta Healing which has continued my journey away from the old beliefs. Here comes the ironic part - now when the situation is much graver and the doctors at home were ready to give up on me, I had transcended those beliefs enough to say, I'm not going to just sit back and accept your prognosis - I'm going for it! Let's face it, not one of us knows how long we have, all we really have is this very minute, so savor it for all it's worth and don't give a thought to a minute, an hour, a week or whatever from now because none of that exists at this point in time! I'm amazed I've been able to stay pretty focused in the moment, which is incredible, because I feel good, things are going great, in this moment I have no problems so there's no reason for me to be upset or feel anything negative under those conditions! Pretty awesome isn't it! I can't tell you how hard I've tried to experience this over the years by what would seem to be easier means, but I couldn't get there, I neded this experience to take me there. Once again we're back to the precious gift - you just never know what the most significant events in our lives will be. Well, on that note I'm going to sign off and zip back to my apartment building before it starts raining again!

Buying Green Bananas

Who says I can't buy green bananas?  I'll do more than just that, so there!

The best part is I figured out how to add the photos - so that's pretty cool.  Now I can start taking some pictures while I'm out and about and posting them.  Afterall, now that Bharata went home I have to send him pictures or he won't have anything to paste on facebook!  We can't have that, now can we :-)

It's funny, I get tired, fall asleep and then wake up in a few hours (ready to eat something) feeling pretty refreshed, then eat and go back to sleep.  It seems to be working out well, so I'm not concerned about it, plus since I'm by myself now, I don't have to worry about disturbing anyone.  Although, Bharata sleeps pretty soundly, so I don't think I really disturbed him. 

There was an article about Gentle Yoga for people with chronic diseases in a health magazine at the Cleveland Clinic, so I think I'll give that a try.  I'll let you know how it works.  At this point, I wouldn't consider myself up for doing a full class, but I can handle these 8 postures easily, so should do a good job of releasing tension and relaxing me.  Then it will be back to sleep!  Although, I rather like the sleep part, there's a lot to be said for sleep, it's very restorative.  In fact, I think I will do my postures now.  So I will return in a little bit.  That felt really good, I didn't realize how tight I am, but actually since all this started, I haven't really done much moving about so it's no wonder.  Tomorrow, I'll take a little walk, they suggested I start doing that each day.  In fact, I think I'll do some more pranayama before I go back to sleep.  That will actually help me go back to sleep. 

It's funny in an odd sort of way, the things we need to find balance in our lives!  Obviously, I not one of these people who goes for the suble or easy way.   I guess in looking at all this I'm more of a drama diva or something, because I've definately drawn a rather drastic method of finding balance into my life!  Go figure!  My advice to the rest of you is try meditation instead :-)  But in all honesty, this is something that I needed for whatever reason and I'm just going to go with that.  Somehow this is working for me and I believe I'll come out a stronger better person on the other side of it as long as I continue to embrace it as the gift I'm sure that it is.  My second hope is that somehow by sharing my experiences with all of this, it may just make it easier for someone else out there going through the same thing now or in the future.  Everything that happens to each of us is exactly what we need at the time, just never lose sight of that and it will all be OK, great actually!  On that note, I again will bid you good night, sweet dreams!  See you in the AM, but hopefully not too early!

I'm on My Own

Bharata left this morning, so I am officially on my own. This is OK, I don't anticipate any problems, I even found the bus schedule, route #32 is my route, piece of cake - I catch it right in front of Starbucks and it goes to Whole Foods and University Commons shopping center, so it couldn't be easier. Best part is I can buy the monthly pass at Dave's Market which is right on the corner.

All in all, this is turning out to be a rather lazy day, I didn't even get up until almost 11AM, but that's good, I need to get my rest. I figure if I don't need to be up early I'll just sleep in and have more energy for the day. Sounds good to me anyway!

I was planning to take a little bus trip after I walk over to Dave's Market for a monthly pass. I also want to check out the market because it's so close for me to just bop over there for whatever I might need from the grocery. I thought at first it was a small neighborhood place, but apparently there are multiplt stores. Also, on closer inspection, it appears to be pretty good size, so we will see.

Well, I'm going to sign off now or the day will be over and I won't have even gotten dressed! Oh, but one last thing, so far I've met 4 of my neighbors and they are all incredibly nice, so I know this is where I'm supposed to be. Everything is just amazing, it's like I wake up each morning like a child filled with awe at everything that is happening. OK, now I really am going :-)

Another busy day

We had another busy day - Bharata is leaving tomorrow, so we tried to get everything possible done today. This, of course, has worn us both out. But all in all, it was a good day. We got the Operation Christmas Child boxes dropped off and the women we met at the church drop-off were incredibly nice. They even gave me their phone number in case I need anything - I just can't believe what an unbelievable experience this is, every day! The church isn't too far away, by bus or something, so I'm hoping I'll be able to take a bus to services. Somehow this too seems to be a sign, telling me where I need to go and finally at this stage of my life, I not only recognize the signs, I follow them, which is a big part of what's carrying me through all of this so effortlessly.

Just an aside, tomorrow is the last day of collection for the shoebox gifts, "Operation Christmas Child" but I believe you may make a donation on "Samaratinspurse.org" website instead of packing a shoebox. It will bring Christmas joy to a child in some part of our world, letting them know there are people out there that care about them. I can tell you from my own recent personal experience, knowing there are people out there who care is a priceless feeling.

Well, it's getting late (for me anyway) so I'm going to sign off and go to sleep. I wish you all sweet dreams, I'll be back in the morning! Good night.

New Hair Day

It's done, I now have a 1/2" buzz cut! I'll tell you what, I rather like it. Letting go of the hair is both freeing and empowering - I feel like GI Jane!!! Certainly if anybody can kick this disease, it's GI Jane - so watch out cancer, I'm coming after you! The other benefit is I don't have to spend all that time blow drying, just wash and go! Excellent! It's amazing the little things that can really get you going! It's funny because I planned on wearing a scarf or hat after I buzzed it off, but I like it so I don't want to cover it up! I'm trying to figure out how to upload a picture, so far haven't made much progress on that one. I'm thinking it may not be an option from the phone, still checking. I'll post again later and hopefully I'll figure out the picture thing! Have a fantastic day, I don't want to be the only one having such a great time!

Another Great Day

Today was another great day. I'm settled into my apartment, it's very warm and homey, not like being in the hotel and a third of the cost! Talk about a deal!!! Everyone is really nice here, so I think this is the right place for me to be, very uplifting. I am still amazed each day with what an awesome experience this is. If someone had told me it was going to be awesome I would have thought they were crazy, but it really has turned out that way! The peace and stillness that comes from surrendering to the Universe is absolutely incredible, I feel like I move through each day in a state of amazement. It truley is a beautiful experience.

Tonight was supposed to be haircut night, but we're both so tired, I think we'll do it in the AM! I have about decided to have Bharata give me a buzz cut like his. I'll wear that for about a week and then shave it and go with the henna tattoo! That way I have a little transition! I also have to check with Manju, but I'm sure she can do the henna once we decide on the designs. Actually, I had about decided I would need to go with some of the designs that came in the kit, but I will have time to make my own designs for her to use! Wow, this is awesome, I don't know why I didn't think about it before! Now I'm getting excited! Well, it will all be on Facebook and tomorrow I'll need to figure out how to post pictures on my blog, using my phone, so I can document everything after Bharata leaves! I'll be a busy girl tomorrow. On that note, I'm going to say good night! Be back tomorrow sans hair :-)

I have an apartment!

I found an effiency apartment in The Alcazar, which is now on the National Register of historic places. It's a beautiful building - check their website: www.thealcazar.com
Bob Hope kept a suite here and rumor has it Cole Porter was in residence when he wrote his hit "Night and Day" seems to be a very eclectic, creative sort of place. I think I'll be very comfortable here. It's also a fraction of what It would cost to stay in the hotel and I have more space and a view of the beautiful courtyard instead of a parking lot and there is a fireplace in the lobby, I hope it gets cold enough for a fire soon! I just love sitting in front of a fire and now that I knit, I can sit in front of the fire and knit. How cool (make that warm) is that!

All in all I had a really good day, got tired, but they said to expect that, so I took a nap and now I feel great. I can go for the naps, use to take them all the time and it was wonderful! So that's definately a plus for me, not a negative ;-)

I just wanted to check in and give you a little update, gotta run so I can get a few more things taken care of before dinner. Everything is still revolving around food!

I hate to end on a sad note, but I think it's something important for us all to think about. I was told a story today about a young woman diagnosed with brain cancer and given 2 weeks to live. The doctors told her to get someone to come stay with her for her last two weeks, which her mother did. Two weeks and one day later she was dead. I was given the same prognosis but I chose not to believe it and I can only wonder whether she might still be with us if she didn't believe it and looked for options???? So what I take from this is never give up! Bharata tells me I have the right stuff. Apparently there was a book written some years ago about pilots who tested new planes, they had a checklist and they were going through their checklist as they hit the ground, because they had the Right Stuff! Well, you can be sure I'm not going to sit back and let this disease take me - I'll be going through my checklist and quite frankly I intend to conquer the disease, but that of course is up to a higher power! We all need to always stay positive and never give up, don't go down without a fight! Believing is over half the battle, I personally don't think there's much (other than God of course) that's more powerful than the human mind, we just don't tap into a fraction of it's power. On that note I'm saying good night. I thank you all again for all the prayers and love you're sending, I've never felt so loved in all my life!

I Have Begun

OK, I have my IV and am just waiting for the pharmacy to finish mixing my drugs. To think, silly me figured they just grabbed a bag out of the storage closet! I learn something new everyday! Today has been a really positive experience and I'm really feeling great about everything. I'm still amazed by jet how positive and uplifting this entire experience is - It still sort of blows me away, but that's cool! I've sent Bharata to Barnes and Noble for a henna kit! I thnk he's going to shave my head tonight, which as weird as this sounds, is kind of exciting! Is that weird or what? Not that I really care, it's an incredibly freeing feeling to let go of all these attachments that used to run my life. I'm hoping this kit has stencils or something even the 2 of us can handle easily, we'll see. Just keep an eye on my blog or facebook, there will be pictures!!!

I've almost finished my Christmas boxes to be sent to Haiti. I just have to pick up a few more little things and write each child a note. I also bought 2 Hallmark recordable books to send to my 2 Christian Childrens Fund kids for Christmas. That way as I read the story, they hear it in my voice! Very cool idea!

Well, wish I could write more, but the premeds have Benedryal in it and that's beginning to make me drousie!!!! Will try to post again later this afternoon. The main thing is, don't get upset and worry about me. I'm exactly where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing at this point in time! Life is Good, as they say - although, I would say Life is Great!!!! So have a fantastic day and know I'm doing the same! It's hard to believe getting chemo could be such fun! That really does sound a bit wacko, doesn't it??? Oh well, worrying about what other peopl think is getting to be an enormous energy drain, one that I'm over! I've wasted enough of my time and energy on this for way too long! So I'm done with it, time to move on to more worthwhile pursuits - this is such a great feeling! Well, gotta go before I fall asleep! Hang in there and please keep those prayers coming.

Better than Disney

I know Walt wouldn't want to hear this, and you're probably going to think I'm crazy, but as I was laying in the CT Scan this morning, I realized that I'm having a much better time here than I had when I went to Disney World! It's both interesting and educational, almost like one of those movies where you tour the body or something. I'm exposed to al these different tests and procedures and everyone is happy to answer your questions and explain things, it's cool. It actually is like I'm on vacation - I'm having a good time. Let's face it, if you have to go through something, you might as well have a great time doing it, regardless what it is and that's what I'm doing! I am a little disappointed that the radioactive dye for my CT scan didn't make me glow in the dark. I figured we could close the blackout curtains at the hotel and Bharata could take some really cool photos for Facebook, but it doesn't work that way, I don't glow in the dark! Shucks!!!! Will have to come up with some alternate cool photo opportunity.

So far they have taken us early for every appointment today, it's amazing, and on every desk in this place, there are signs "if you've waited more than 15 minutes notify someone" where else would you ever see those? This is just such an incredible experience, I just can't get over it, it's better than going on a cruise. Bharata and I are spending some great quality time together, as well. Our time together is of a much higher quality than when we go on vacation or something, there just seem to be all sorts of silver lining. Just goes to show you, we never know how positive inexperience can be if we judge it at surface value, rather than allowing ourselves to fully experience it.

I hope you are all still keeping Bil in your prayers, he's having his heart surgery today. I also heard about a really awesome project - Operation Christmas Child, you fill a shoebox with gifts for needy children, this years target is Haiti. November 15-22 or something is national collection week, so Im going to find out where I can get some of their shoeboxes and put together a few, that should be fun and it will give a child a happy Christmas memory so it's a win win situation. If you're interested, do a google search for Operation Christmas Child. I saw it on CNN while I was waiting for my scan. Gotta run, will try to post again later. Hope you all have as great a day as I'm having! Ciao!

One Last Thing

I almost forgot - the chemotherapy will most likely make my hair fall out, so I'm seriously thinking about shaving my head - why let the chemotherapy take my hair when I can choose to let it go? Here's the best part - I'm thinking if I shave it, I can get a henna tattoo or whatever they call it where they paint designs with henna! Doesn't that sound cool or am I crazy or maybe a bit of both! I need to have a theme, so I was thinking "Celebrate Life" - so if you're out there Lucy, I want to hear from you - I know you had some ideas about something similar when my mom was sick, so I want your input! This could be a real empowering move on my part and hopefully if the design is moving enough, it will be an inspiration for others! This gives me something to think about, only problem is, I'm not sure about the shaved head for winter in Ohio part - but I'm going to give it some thought and see if the doctor is cool with it. I'll keep you posted, including pictures. Who knows this could be a new fashion trend, henna head designs! Do you think should try to get patent? That's all folks, chat tomorrow!

I Figured Out The Difference!

It hit me at lunch today, what makes it soooo different up here. They treat you as a whole person, not just a doctor addressing his area of expertise or responsibility. When I first arrived and met with the Radiologist for the brain, he went out and rounded up one of his collegues who was a radiologist for breasts and had him come look at me. He in turn had his nurse schedule an appointment with a breast surgeon for the next day. This has been the rule, not the exception. I can't recall being in any type of medical facility where this it functions like this. I'm sure there are places, but vie never been there. I think that's why I feel so comfortable and safe. That's an incredibly important component as far as I'm concerned, because all the energy I would formerly be wasting worrying about what I needed to do, if I needed to see someone else, is this the right thing, all that sort of stuff, can now be used for healing, all I basically have to do is show up for my appointments. That I believe is what's making this incredibly easy, all I have to do is show up, what can be simpler than that?

We found this incredible food co-op today, not far from the hotel, it's amazing, all kinds of stuff and a lot of organic. They even have raw, organic pistachios which Ive never been able tomfind at home, I generally order them off the Internet. It probably sounds ridiculous, but this is really a very enjoyable experience - but I will admit given the choice I would be having it for some other reason :-). Alas, we can't choose the reasons so it is what it is, but I'm going tom enjoy it anyway. Certainly not everyone who finds themselves in my position is lucky enough to be experiencing what I am and for that I am ever so grateful! It's really amazing, because there are so many positive things that are coming from this, that it really is a blessing, I can see so many ways in which I'm growing and basically just approaching life differently that I know I wouldn't have been doing if God hadn't given me this particular growth opportunity. I find that as long as I stay focused on that, (all the positive aspects arising from my experience) it really isn't so bad. That probably sounds a bit strange, but it's true. In fact, my husband asked me today if I was afraid, and I'm someone who would have to say my life would best be described as being fearful for as long as I can remember, each day being a battle to face those fears and try to move through them, but I had to say, no, I'm not afraid! The answer schocked me, but I feel a new kind of peace from fear that I've never experienced before and I think if I'm honest, it makes this well worth it in some kind of strange way. I'm not sure that if it were possible to go back in time and not have any of this happen that I would change it because that feeling of peace from fear which I guess is more of a surrendering to God and accepting of whatever is, well, that is such a powerful, profound experience I don't think I would want to give it up. I believe it's a life changing experience which is carrying me closer to where we all ultimately are headed, to connect to the divine within ourselves. It is such an uplifting, blissful experience - I wish there was a way I could adequately describe it, but it's like if you've never tasted an apple, no matter what I say to describe it, you aren't going to know what it tastes like, just trust me when I say it's bliss.

On that note, I'm going to leave you tonight, but I do have a request - a friend of ours, Bill, from the Yoga Ranch in upstate New York is going to be having open heart surgery on Wednesday, so if you could add him to your prayers, that would be great!

Great New Day

I had every intention of posting when I got back to the hotel yesterday afternoon, but it turned out to be a grueling day for both of us. We spent hours trying to download a GPS ap from iTunes and for some reason it wasn't working. It's ridiculous how something so stupid can cause such stress and be so draining. Another opportunity for growth! So much fun. We went to Manju's for dinner, that was very uplifting and relaxing so I slept really well (and rather late) so I feel great today. In fact, we had a fairly relaxing day today, just took it easy, which is what we both needed. Tomorrow should be a pretty low key day, as well. So I think well be in excellent shape for my tests on Tuesday! Most of Tuesday is booked with tests and then Wednesday I have my first chemotherapy treatment, it's funny, because I don't feel worried about it - I think this is what I need to be doing now and basically it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward one step at a time, which is what I'm doing!

I still am just amazed & extremely grateful and happy at all the love and prayers that are coming my way - it's an amazing feeling to realize so many people care so much, I had no idea. This whole experience has been so phenomenal in so many ways it's just awesome. Of course, if I'm honest, I think I would have preferred some other catalyst for the experience, but I do know it's very important for my overall well being and growth/development in this life. Let's face it everything that happens and how we choose to handle it brings us that much closer to connecting to the divine within us. I'm trying to use those who have gone before me as an example, to follow there higher examples rather than succumbing to my lower nature. I feel like I can choose to embrace all of this with grace & presence thereby allowing it to be a very touching divine experience or I can choose to succumb to my attachments to this life and fight the experience which will make it not only negative, but frustrating and honestly it won't ultimately effect the destined outcome, so I figure I'll take the high road and trust myself in Gods care. This entire experience is actually very uplifting - which still sort of blows my mind, but I'm trying to stay focused on the positive energy which is permeating everything - my hope is that like Ghandi, I can keep God in the forefront of my thoughts & I believe that is achievable! It's really a pretty good feeling and being able to turn loose of so much of this by leaving myself in God's hands, which I feel in turn he has me in the care of doctors who know what I need - is incredibly freeing. I feel a tremendous weight has been removed from my shoulders. It's amazing the relief and calm that comes from it. Wow is all I can say!

I hope I haven't rambled too much, if I have, I'm sorry! Well, I'm going to sign off now, it's about time for another meal - that seems to be the main thing I do these days! I'll be back tomorrow, I promise! Have a great evening, I know I'm going to. Thanks again for all the love and prayers!

Another New Day

Well, this morning we're doing our laundry and having breakfast before I have my Theta session. I'm really looking forward to that because the sessions are really productive! We're getting squared away with a new room today so I'll be settled for at least a month. I have a few more things to pick-up so I'll be set up like "home" (remember everythings relative) :-). I even found a Michaels Arts & Crafts on the map, so I can get a few small creative things to keep me busy in the room! Plus I'm downloading the last season of Monk from iTunes, I love that show! I even think I'll start knitting a scarf, it's very relaxing to just sit and knit, not to mention I'm sure I'll get some good use out of it here, certainly more so than in Florida!!!

My next little project is to figure out how to post pictures from my phone - I'm sure it's very simple, I just haven't done it so I need to figure it out! Will make things more interesting - but then I'm very visual so it may not be as important to some of you as it is me. But personally I think most people rather enjoy pictures, they just add another dimension. Well, I'll post again later, I don't want to be late for my Theta session. Hope you all have a great day, I certainly intend to! Given the choice of having a great day or not having a great day, why choose any thing less than spectaular? We've already determined that what really determines what we experience is not the experience itself, but rather the way in which we choose to look at it! So let's look at it positively!!! I'll update you later, have a fabulous day!

On to the Next Step

Met with the oncologist this morning, like everyone else, he's extremely nice and comes highly recommended. He's ordering a few more scans and to begin chemotherapy, so I'm waiting for a call with the appointments as I write. We discussed that I could do this at home, but I feel in my heart this is where I need to be so I've opted to have treatments here. He did say they probably won't cure this, but rather it will be ongoing treatment, which is OK. He did however say it was not impossible and there are new drugs coming out and certainly there is hope and not to let go of that, which I'm not. It's kind of funny in a way, but I've been given so many gifts from God, all my life. Whether it was talents, abilities, opportunities, special people... I haven't always put these gifts to their best use, many in fact have been squandered, but I've always felt somewhere deep inside God had a purpose for me, I think this may be part of that purpose. Somehow this takes on a greater purpose if I can embrace the diagnose with all it's ups and downs and hopefully be an inspiration or example to others that this isn't the end of the world. It's merely one more step in my journey, something to be experienced, appreciated for what it's giving and teaching me and as a tool I can use to fully experience life and encourage others to do the same. None of us knows how long we have or in what capacity we will live our lives, all we really have is this very moment to savor and enjoy - whatever God blesses us with beyond right now, remains to be seen, for each of us. Isn't that part of what makes life interesting? Trusting in the greater good, embracing the , and just going with the flow? This whole concept is getting much easier since beginning my Theta Healing sessions - I really believe my work with Dr. Lisa is helping me through this in a very profound way. You can check it out if you're interest in knowing more about it.
www.leitheta.com
I believe this will play a major part in my being "cured" verses just being treated, the power of the mind is something that shouldn't be dismissed. The mind can tip the scales in either direction, so it only makes sense to tip them in the direction that best suits me. Well, in my opinion, ultimately it's up to God and I'm good with that. Sometimes it feels scary but that's just part of the experience. Well, were off to gather a few more clothing items I need and just wander around Cleveland. The weather is beautiful, my only complaint and it's a minor one, is that I can't find postcards and I always try to send my to CCF foster kids postcards from wherever I go. This time they may just have to get hallmark cards! If that's the worst that happens in their lives, it's OK! Well, I'm gonna run will post again later!
Ciao!

Step 3 Today

Yesterday was a great day! I had planned to update my blog when I got home but I just didn't have the energy. It's funny, it was extremely positive but just the whole gamut of emotions we both went through was rather draining. I can only describe it as being on a roller coaster ri de for the last couple weeks and the constant surge of adrelenine is taxing to the body. Probably the biggest drain is the eating! I eat non-stop because of the steroids, and it's food I'm not accustomed to eating, it's like the way people feel after huge holiday meals, except it goes on all day & night with me! It takes a lot of energy to digest this much food!!! I can tell you one thing, those size 4 jeans don't stand a chance of zipping up anytime soon - thank God for elastic! Well enough about all of this! I'm really feeling pretty excited about getting home because I think one of the major (and there have been many) is that I'm going to get reconnected with my artistic side. That's really who I am and I had allowed myself to lose touch which means I wasn't fully living in myself so this will be great. There's a great video about the gifts of brain cancer by a woman named Stacy Kramer,
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/stacey_kramer_the_best_gift_i_ever_survived.html
It's strange because so much of what she talks about so parrells my experience, that I have to wonder are she and I just very similar or are the universal gifts that come with brain cancer and some people choose not to see or accept them? That gives me something to contemplate. I know there are gifts, silver linings, whatever you want to call them in everything even though we can't always see them, but it's really rewarding and inspiring when I'm able to get a glimpse and it makes everything so much easier when I'm able to embrace it with gratitude rather than react from a place of fear. Perspective is a funny thing, it totally changes an event's energy simply based on how you look at it - even though nothing else has changed! Wow! Well, on that note I'm going to sign off so I can get to my appointment with the oncologist! I'll post an update this afternoon when I'm through! Remember, always try to stay focused on the gifts!
Love to all and thanks again for all the love and prayers you're sending, they really are helping!

Step One Done

Today was a great day, long and rather intense, but GOOD, really positive and uplifting. Considering last week I was being written off, now I have a follow up appointment for January 4,2011! That's pretty cool! So looks like I'll be celebrating my 54th birthday (1/5/11) in Cleveland and that works for me!

They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, so far I feel I've taken more than one step - and I feel I'm well on my way. I didn't feel safe and confident like this in Florida, I just know in my heart, I'm where I need to be and feel like I'm getting exactly what I need. The really odd part for me is that I don't feel the need to second guess the doctors - I trust them implicitely, which takes a lot of stress, worry and fear off my shoulders and I must say that feels really good.

You can't imagine how kind and compassionate everyone here is, not just the hospital staff, but everyone - it's just really a special place for me to be right now. I also have to say, I have never felt so loved and cared about. I am so overwhelmed by all the prayers, love, good wishes, flowers, visitors and help that has been pouring forth from so many people. I just never realized so many people cared about me like that. It feels really good and I can't begin to say how much all of this has helped. It's wonderful, thank you all so very much!

I feel really inspired, I'm ready to sketch a few ideas of some art pieces to work on when I get home. I've allowed myself to loose touch with my creative side over the years, but I need to get back in touch, because that's really a critical part of who I am.

So often things happen in life that are devasting or seem so at the time, because of our frame of reference - but sometimes when we make it to the other side of the event, we can see a positive aspect which wasn't visible before. It was like that for me when my father died, it was devasting at the time, but looking back it was a pivotal point in my life. So I feel this experience too will be something like that. I believe this is making me appreciate life more and I hope that in some way my experience will help someone else who may have to face similar things. That by knowing that I got through it perhaps it will be easier for them, less frightening and alone. That will give this an even more positive aspect. Regardless, every thing is happening exactly as it needs too, even though I can't see the whole picture. This is where faith and trust come in! I'm sitting in God's hand and I know he has it all under control, so I don't need to worry about anything, just relax and go with the flow.

Speaking of going with the flow, I'm ready to go to bed and get some sleep. I just feel so good, happy, content - I know that I have everything I need and I'm very grateful for that. Life is good!

Goodnight, I'll be back in the morning. Sleep well, I know I will!